Control

I have practiced yoga for 5 years now, ranging from a beginners practice to prenatal with my daughter to a higher level vinyasa to my current favorite, paddleboard yoga.  Control is a fundamental part of yoga – learning to control your breath while the body is stressed and keeping the breath even flows into so many other parts of your life.  I have become a better wife, mother and employee, simply through my practice.  The thought occurred to me that even when I am working on a deep hip opener and focusing to control my breath, I can keep my breath steady and even, so why is blood sugar so much harder to control?

I have touched on the topic of control in some of my other blog posts, but recently I have been thinking that I should really look harder.  

I don’t have any sort of health, medicine or dietetics degree, so I fully admit that I don’t completely understand all the intricacies of the body.  I do understand that hormones and chemical reactions in the body can vary from day to day, but if I’m holding up my end and only eating my 30-45 grams of carbs at a time, shouldn’t my body have to hold up it’s end and not have high blood sugar?

That’s where I end up with the control questions.  What if you are doing EVERYTHING in your power to keep your blood sugar down?  What if you exercise and eat right and work on controlling your stress and there are still the high readings that you can’t explain?  There’s a saying that you can’t control what happens to you but you can control your reaction – well that doesn’t exactly work here either.  You feel like you are in a constant battle with yourself and your body is fighting SO HARD for that high sugar.  

You feel as if you have lost control.  How do you get that control back?  Will it ever come back?  Why, when you control every morsel that touches your lips, every step you take, every bead of sweat trying to drive your health level up, does it just not work?

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with these questions a lot.  I don’t just think about the average, but I experience guilt when I see that high reading because I let myself have a doughnut (approximately 33 carbs) instead of my 2 eggs and a slice of toast (18 carbs) for a breakfast treat.  I wonder if I will ever be able to just enjoy a slice of birthday cake instead of wondering what it’s going to do to my sugar today…

I understand that I could have it much worse, but it is a battle just the same.  I don’t want this disease to cut my life short or degrade my quality of life so that I don’t get to see or experience all that I have planned.

So I fight for control.  And I fight for answers.  And while I fight…

Breathe in…2….3….4

Breathe out…2….3….4